Tuesday, December 28, 2010

A reflection of persistent behaviours


December 21, 2010 -

The past weekend was heavy.  Before Friday afternoon, I was feeling unstoppable.  I had worked out four or five days in a row.  My body was hydrated, well oxygenated, and pumped full of endorphins.  Friday night became a situation in which I over indulged in wine, cigars, and some prescription painkillers that a friend who’d just broken his arm threw my way.  I went further into intoxication than others at the same sitting. 
What does that mean?  I don’t know, but that carried over into Saturday, which involved me drinking very heavily again.  So much, in fact, that I blacked out, lost my memory, fell over several times, nearly got thrown out of a bar, and continued on to light up a joint in my parents’ basement…at five in the morning.  I woke up with bruises scattered across my body, no memory, and later found out that I was making inappropriate gestures toward a female friend the previous night. 

Today I feel embarrassed and humbled.  Sometimes I get to thinking I’m some super human conquistador and my attitude gets very offensive.  I then typically become loathsome of myself and take it easy for a few weekends, until I start to forget my mistakes and go out hard again, winding up in the same state.  That’s where I am now.  Thinking negative thoughts about myself and taking it out on the world around me.  This must stop.  I’m going way too hard…why?

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