December 21, 2010 -
The past weekend was heavy. Before Friday afternoon, I was feeling unstoppable. I had worked out four or five days in a row. My body was hydrated, well oxygenated, and pumped full of endorphins. Friday night became a situation in which I over indulged in wine, cigars, and some prescription painkillers that a friend who’d just broken his arm threw my way. I went further into intoxication than others at the same sitting.
What does that mean? I don’t know, but that carried over into Saturday, which involved me drinking very heavily again. So much, in fact, that I blacked out, lost my memory, fell over several times, nearly got thrown out of a bar, and continued on to light up a joint in my parents’ basement…at five in the morning. I woke up with bruises scattered across my body, no memory, and later found out that I was making inappropriate gestures toward a female friend the previous night.
Today I feel embarrassed and humbled. Sometimes I get to thinking I’m some super human conquistador and my attitude gets very offensive. I then typically become loathsome of myself and take it easy for a few weekends, until I start to forget my mistakes and go out hard again, winding up in the same state. That’s where I am now. Thinking negative thoughts about myself and taking it out on the world around me. This must stop. I’m going way too hard…why?